Walk, Damn It!

In what has been described as a “stunning breakthrough” in education policy and practice, Hillsdale College has announced its Science of Walking curriculum guide.  Based on the burgeoning popularity of the Science of Reading campaign, Science of Walking promises to revolutionize the pedagogy of walking and undo the damage done by years of the misguided, progressive, whole walking philosophy.

Spokeswoman Betsy DeVos said, “The era of letting children walk when and where they darn well please is coming to an end.  The evidence is unambiguous.  When children are not instructed in the fundamental skills of walking at an early age, they won’t get very far in life.”

Former Secretary of Education Rod Paige, whose deft sleight -of-hand created the “Houston Miracle,” commented, “About damn time!  When we said ‘No Child Left Behind,’ this was exactly what we were talking about.  How are the kids going to keep up if they can’t walk?”

Hillsdale’s Dean of Education, the preeminent reading scholar, former Education Secretary Arne Duncan, added, “We’ve known how kids learn to walk for decades. You stand ‘em up good and straight and then put one foot in front of the other - left, right, left, right and so on.  Teach those building blocks and they will be on their way.”

Buoyed by this clear scientific evidence, the Biden administration announced a new “Walking by One” initiative.  Current Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona introduced the program: “Every child in America can walk by age one. The inability of any child to walk by age one has enormous costs.  If she can’t walk at one, how can she meet the standards going forward?”

For years, progressive educators have insisted that children will walk when they are ready.  Expose them to walking, take them for walks, put chocolate just out of reach, and they will be inspired - eventually - to get up and walk themselves.  But current research cited by Duncan has shown that while they wait, their peers, especially in Singapore, will be leaving them farther and farther behind until they finally walk out of sight.

DeVos added, “Not only do permissive progressives allow their kids to crawl around, but when they finally get up, they skip, dance and walk anywhere they want. What kind of education is that?  How will they get into really good charter schools if they haven’t learned to walk silently in a straight line?”  

The Education Department also announced an innovative corporate partnership with Walking First!, a new branch of Pearson Education. Pearson will produce a series of colorful walking manuals for day care centers and new parents, illustrating simple techniques for pulling children to their feet and assisting them in alternate leg movements.  

Pearson has also developed a licensing agreement with Disney for use of images of Mickey Mouse captioned, “I Can Walk on Two Legs!  You Can Too!”  This may seem odd, in that one year-olds can’t read, but Pearson says the campaign is meant to inspire parents and caregivers, who in turn will cajole, encourage and prod their little charges to get right on up and “Be Like Mickey!!”

A silly, ludicrous parody?  Perhaps.

But the parallel to Science of Reading and the insane push to standardize, sanitize and accelerate reading instruction is not so far-fetched.  Reading, like walking, will come with patience, exposure and natural curiosity to know the world.  Regimentation, inflexible developmental timelines, and pressure are the antithesis of true learning. 

In my head of school days I would ask prospective parents at what age their children began walking.  The responses always formed a perfect bell curve from about 9 months to about 18 months.  I’d then pose a hypothetical.: “What would you think if you saw a parent or caregiver yanking a one year-old up from the sidewalk, knees bleeding, and screaming, ‘Walk damn it!’”  They’d laugh and get the point.  

Yelling, “Read damn it!”  to a 6, 7 or 8 year-old, even if only through silent disapproval, is just as abusive.