Trans Kids Are Beautiful

On a bright June afternoon in 2003, my wife and I took a taxi to Lincoln Center in Manhattan.  We were headed to the graduation ceremony for the Calhoun School where I was finishing my 5th of 19 years as Head of School.

As we exited the taxi I noticed Calhoun parents waiting at the crosswalk.  We walked toward them, they greeted me, and Wendy politely extended her hand.  “Hi!  I’m Steve’s wife Wendy.  Do you have a son or daughter graduating today?”

Mom replied, hesitantly and a bit sheepishly, “Er . . . we’re not sure.”

Wendy immediately knew they were the parents of a transgender student I had confidentially talked with her about.  They were “not sure” but she - the student - was quite sure and was well into transition at that point.  Somewhat flamboyantly “sure” if truth be told.  Wendy and mom huddled as we walked toward Merkin Hall.  As a therapist - even before becoming a therapist - she seemed to attract anyone who needed to talk.

This was the first openly trans student I came to know well.  When “he” was in 6th grade a middle school teacher predicted the transition.  When “she” returned from summer break for 10th grade she flaunted the transition with lovely linen slacks and a stunning pair of stiletto heels.  I said, “Hi _______!  Nice shoes!”  “Thanks, Steve!  I worked in a really cool shoe store this summer.”  And that was that.  One of my great memories of our unusually (not perfectly) accepting community was seeing _________ skipping joyfully down the sidewalk in a chiffon dress, arm-in-arm with the starting five of the boys varsity basketball team.

In subsequent years I came to know and have great admiration for three other transgender students - one who “came out” to me in a poignant meeting in junior year, and two who went through transition after graduation.  I still have some contact with the two graduates and they both chronicled the transition/transformation for and with their Facebook friends, I proud among them.

I write in a state of fury.  During these first 75 days of 2021, state legislators have introduced or passed 82 - 82! - anti-transgender bills.  All of these efforts are despicable and dehumanizing.  Many of them directly target trans students, banning them from athletic activities and specifically prohibiting transgender students from using bathrooms that align with their gender identity.

These demeaning and offensive legislative efforts are, not surprisingly, the products of the same fine Republican folks who brought us four years of Donald Trump, anti-mask idiocy, anti-vaccine stupidity, election conspiracy theories, gun-toting madmen and women attempting insurrection, and armed militias plotting the kidnap and murder of elected officials.  

The proposed Missouri bill and others around the country would prohibit play on sports teams and ban medical treatments for transgender youth including hormone therapy and surgery.

Medical experts know that gender dysphoria, the feeling of unease when one’s gender identity does not match one’s body, is neither abnormal nor extremely rare.  It is a reality along a continuum of natural human expression.  In some ways homosexuality has become widely accepted, if not embraced, because so many people have come to realize that their child, sibling, neighbor, friend, relative or other acquaintance is gay.  That has not happened for trans youth, who are often shunned by family and community and thereby comprise a wildly disproportionate segment of the homeless population.

I remember well in Vermont when civil unions were on the ballot that all homophobic hell broke loose, much in the form of a Take Back Vermont campaign that eerily prefaced Make America Great Again.  Both movements meant Make Everything White Heterosexual and Christian Again, as God intended things to be.  Not many years later, same-sex marriage was on the ballot and elicited a resounding ho-hum.  Most Take Back Vermonters had come to realize that the lovely couple next door weren’t sisters.  And that realization made them no less lovely.

As most folks acknowledge, being gay is neither lifestyle nor choice.  For most gay men and lesbians, the path to acceptance was strewn with bigots, insults, physical threats, actual violence and discrimination in employment and healthcare.  Now those barriers are de jure removed if still de facto present in too many lives.

Transgender youth and adults didn’t choose either, but their rights and ability to live without disdain are sliding backwards.   The viciousness of the Trump administration has been replaced by a warmer acceptance in the Biden era, but small-minded bigots are working overtime at the state level to deliver misery.

A Missouri father of a trans girl testified in the anti-trans legislation hearing.  It was powerful and heartbreaking to hear of the sad little girl forced to wear jeans and play boys sports.  The immediate liberation when her parents came to their senses brought tears to my eyes and a smile to the little girl’s face for the first time in years.  To think that she and other trans youth might be legally prohibited from getting the medical care to realize their full selves is absolutely infuriating.

I wrote that Vermonters came to realize that their gay neighbors were still lovely.  In my experience, transgendered  folks are not “still lovely,” they are more lovely.  Having the insight and courage to fully embrace yourself, despite social misunderstanding and scorn, makes my trans friends more sensitive, more vulnerable, more accepting, more thoughtful and more beautiful.

The nasty bigots who seek to demean, dehumanize and demonize transgender boys, girls, women and men could learn a lot from them if they would open their cold, ignorant hearts.